There are things in this world that, metaphorically, are impossible to take home with you. Things you look with your eyeballs and go “holy s**t!” and then you try to capture it with your camera and you’re disappointed and shocked that your stupid iPhone couldn’t translate it properly. Then you show the picture to your friends and you have to be that person going “aww man, you really had to be there, the pictures just don’t do it justice!”

The Grand Canyon is the clear leader that I’ve seen so far. Acadia was a close second. And hopefully Jenny and I are about to see a bunch more.

Then there are things that are the exact opposite. Things you can look at a picture of and confidently say, “yeah, I get it.”

Mount Rushmore is in that second category.

I had never seen Niagara Falls before, so when we were in western New York, we made sure we made the trip out. Another check off the general bucket list of American life. And it was awesome. Definitely did not fall into the second category, there’s no way to understand the scope and scale of the whole thing until you get there.

Since we were out in Black Hills of South Dakota* we had another similar objective: Mount Rushmore. I’ve had no real desire to go there at any particular point in my life, but we were in the area, and it’d feel slightly unpatriotic not paying the $10 to park, walk up, take a picture, and leave.

Soooo… that’s what we did. Literally. We parked, walked as close as we could (there was construction that stopped us from walking all the way up), took exactly one picture, turned around and left to go find dinner. I was so uninterested that Jenny had to remind me to stop and actually look at it for a second.

I mean… it’s exactly the picture we’ve all seen a billion times. Why do people go there? Asks the guy who just went there.

The sickest part of the whole thing is that they’ve built this giant f**king tourist trap around it. On top of the usual gift shops and $20 sodas and audio tours inside the actual park, we drove through Keystone, SD on the way there and back and… I literally don’t have the words to describe this town. Think Clark Griswold’s wet dream. Think a Subway shop unironically decorated inside and out to look like an old western saloon. Think places created for the sole purpose of putting on fake miner hats and “digging” for fake crystals.

Think of every kitschy stupid tourist thing a five-year-old would see and cry all the way home if their parents didn’t let them do after shelling out $50 for a cheap piece of plastic souvenir the kid is going to lose in 5 minutes anyways.

That was this town. And I’m sure there are a few more like it surrounding the monument. Capitalism is alive and well in western South Dakota, folks.

But I digress… to use my previous phrase, another check off the general bucket list of American life.

Outside of that, we successfully boondocked off Sheridan Lake out in the Blacks Hills of South Dakota* without dying or major bodily harm.

It was our first time living in the trailer without any hookups, and quite honestly… there’s no point to it. Okay, hear me out, here’s the thing…

Imagine your home. Now imagine your home on wheels. You have your TV, your A/C, your Wifi, your cell service… all of it, and you can go anywhere now. There are a bunch of places you go that are gorgeous and tons of activities and things to do, AND you still have your home. And all of your things. Now picture you go to a place just as gorgeous and activity filled… but you don’t have your TV, your A/C, your wifi, your cell service… why do that? You could do the same thing with your s**t! Are you a masochist?!?

The more important point, though… if it’s super hot and sunny this camper can become a f**king oven. Without A/C we could be putting the kitties in a not-so-great situation. Cats don’t handle hot weather that well. We’d like to not kill our cats is what I’m saying.

So we realized we can just as well book a campsite with hookups to avoid that situation, pack the truck with the tent and sleeping bags and camping gear, drive out into whatever wilderness we had decided to explore, and experience it all just the same. I only have a few weekends booked with no hookups, so there won’t be much to change. And… you know… no dead kitties this way.

Other than that, I finally got my wish to drink cheap beer out on a boat in the middle of a lake. We rented a canoe for a few hours, bought a 12 pack of Miller Lite and enjoyed the morning.

We got out there at 8am and the lake was smooth as glass. You could see maybe one other boat out there and it was nice and peaceful. By 11am, all the f**khead weekenders with motor boats and jetskis were all over the place, zooming by at top speed and leaving their crazy ass wake for us to deal with, so that was our cue to head back in. Most excellent morning though.

We are now outside Bighorn National Park for the week, where we are watching Denver local news and feeling nostalgic. We head out Friday for some more boondocking in Yellowstone for 4^th of July weekend where we’ll be meeting up with Jack and Sarah… and (possibly) more importantly, their puppies! It shouldn’t be too hot there this weekend, so we’re looking okay for the kitties. And after that we head into Utah. Super pumped for that.

* WARNING: Rocky Raccoon by the Beatles is never to be played around Jenny ever again. For perpetuity. If I sing the opening lines one more time, she’s going to divorce me.

As we slowly move our way back west, we are finally reaching those parts of the country where you look around and say, “Damn, there is f**k all out here, isn’t there?” Then Jenny nods in agreement, falls back asleep in the passenger seat, and I sing along to Rush as we drive along.

…oooooooOOOOOOOF SALESMEN!!!

-Me, very loudly in my truck

The only one I like more is AC/DC…

…neckties… contracts… HIGH VOLTAGE!!!

Me, even louder and higher pitched

But I digress…

We left our campsite in northern Michigan and drove through the Upper Peninsula out to our site in northwest Wisconsin. I’m an Excel fanatic, and I love me some spreadsheets. In planning this whole trip, I have an extremely elaborate one that tells me any possible information I could need handy for every and any part of this trip.

The most important part are the little columns that indicate electricity, water, and sewer. I can look ahead and make sure we’re prepared. I also mark if it’s a pull-through or a back-in. If it’s a back-in I have to prepare Jenny for the inevitable argument that will ensue. (Yes, we’re still terrible at backing up the trailer.)

We pulled into the site at Totogatic Park in Minong, WI, and very quickly realized I had screwed up pretty good. First we were looking at the wrong site, which was about half the size of the camper and had no hookups. After a minor coronary we realized we were actually the next site over. Then we realized the correct site still only had electricity. No water and no sewer.

Now, I dump and rinse out the black tank (where our peepee and poopoo goes) right before leaving. I also give it another rinse when we set up at a site because a) we take number 1’s in there while we’re on the road, and b) for some reason there’s always left over… stuff… and it’s like it gets loosened up on the drive. Probably more info than you needed… point is, I use water to keep the black tank clean.

So no water for that. But the bigger issue was that I didn’t fill the fresh water tank because the spreadsheet told me it was electricity and water. So after a few minutes of me saying a lot of words that start with “F” we decided to just set up camp and figure it out.

Funny part is, had we stopped right at that moment and just taken a moment to calculate properly we could have driven the camper about 100 yards over to a potable water station, filled the fresh tank and been perfectly okay. But we didn’t do that. We figuratively crawled under the blankets into a fetal position and told ourselves everything would be okay… sucking our thumb… and… I dunno, whatever else you want to add to the metaphor to say… we basically threw our hands up and gave up.

So we spent a couple of days walking over to the water and filling water bottles for basic necessities. We experienced campground showers for the first time, and whether or not they were a good representation of most campground showers… they were surprisingly pleasant. Nice and big, water was super hot… 25 cents for 3 minutes, WHAT A DEAL!!!

We also tried to use the restrooms for our numbers 2’s. And… well… yeah, not as enjoyable.

It was like we were actually camping or something. And you know what, it was a fun break. Up until this point has been mostly KOA’s with cable and wifi and full hookups and croissants when you show up. (CITATION NEEDED) So some relative “roughing it” was fun. Also our site was ass end up against a lake, so the views were pretty great.

By some chance of fate my dad was up in Wisconsin the same time we were there, so we were able to meet up and grab some food. Jenny and I were in middle of nowhere WI and he was down in Madison, so we met in Eau Claire… which if you haven’t been to is AMAZING… ly ordinary. Nothing against it, a perfectly acceptable midwest town full of hardworking Americans I’m sure. Just one of those towns you pull into, ask what there is to do, and a local will point at like one building. “That f**king place. Right there. That’s it.”

We planned to have some dinner at a fancy restaurant that, honestly, scared the crap out of me and Jenny.

“Eating? INDOORS? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?!?!?”

But we accepted the risk… got our masks prepped… drove the two hours down… and it was closed. So we did the next best thing… and went to Culver’s. Jenny and I had never been to one. We ended up being able sit outside on their patio pretty much by ourselves, eating great burgers, cheese curds, and custards, and talking about this crazy world we live in. Awesome evening.

The next day we decided to lay low and enjoy our camping experience a little bit. We remembered we had a chess board that Jenny brought back from New York, so I taught her how to play sitting out at the picnic table drinking our coffees.

Who won? Nobody. As we were playing, a storm passed through and we had to pick up and move inside. As I was carrying the chess board in…

(No, not what the obvious thing would be at this exact moment. I carried it all the way to the trailer without pieces flying everywhere, thank you very much.)

…I looked down and realized I was in check. Which, okay, not great for me obviously. The bigger problem, though, was realizing that the pieces involved meant I had been in check for like 5 or 6 moves and neither of us realized it. When we got back into the camper, we tried to reverse engineer it but it was DOA. We shook hands like gentlemen and proceeded to start day drinking. Like gentlemen.

Later that night we built only our second campfire of the season after we decided to cheat and use firestarter bricks to finally have a reasonable chance of keeping the fire going. Grilled some hot dogs and hamburgers and most importantly… drank local beer and S’mores! Oh, and shots of vodka… because… ::shrugs:: why the f**k not?

When we were back in western NY, we watched as our buddy Sarah put together a S’more, wrap it in tinfoil, and proceed to bake it around the fire like a baked potato. We obviously went, “huh?” at which point she explained how traditional methods do not allow for melted chocolate and toasty warm graham cracker. This way lets you achieve that so long as you a) don’t burn it and b) break the graham crackers removing it from the aluminum foil. At which point I felt bad for making fun of it, and even more bad for not immediately seeing the logic of it.

So we compared methods and… yeah, obviously, melted chocolate and toasty graham cracker S’mores for the win. Damn you and your lawyer logic!

Woke up about 5:30am the next morning to pack up and move to the next site. I hadn’t figured out our orientation in the world until I rolled up the window shade and realized the sunrise was out over the lake. I’ve gone from no sunrises to two now #crushingit

Our next spot was in Bismarck, ND. We’ve both never been there before, so we weren’t sure what to expect. We crossed over the state line from Minnesota and stopped in Fargo for some food and gas. After filling up, we were deciding between McDonald’s and Subway. We were a little hungover from the day before (see above) so a greasy shitty horrible-for-you Big Mac sounded amazing. Jenny knows what I order at McDonald’s so she would have been able to go in and take care of it while I stuck with the rig.

HOWEVER, McDonald’s looked like it was drive-thru only so she may need to go over to Subway since we were clearly not trying to go through a McDonald’s drive-thru with a 30′ trailer, truck stop or no truck stop. And I wasn’t going to try and have Jenny memorize all the moves for my Subway sandwich, so I told her see if McDonalds was open for take out, and if not, call me and I’ll head into Subway with you.

Now mind you, we’ve been in North Dakota for a grand total of about 15 minutes. McDonald’s is a no-go, so Jenny finds a spot out of the way to call me to let me know to come in. Some… ughhhh… watching my words… some… piece of s**t who just has to… just HAS TO… at a truck stop gas station… F**KING HAS TO say something about it, walks by Jenny as she’s got the mask hanging off her face as she’s on the phone and goes, “so you have to wear your mask to make a phone call, huh?” Jenny, to her credit, just went, “yeah” and that was it.

Listen f**ker… we’re wearing these to protect your bumblef**k asses more than our own. Just let us walk around looking silly, it zero f**king percent affects your life in any way at all. And if it’s not zero, it’s only positive. Like we’re walking through Fargo, ND deciding to make a political statement and trying to shame everyone. I should start wearing a MAGA face mask and just watch that guy’s head explode.

So yeah… our fantastic welcome to North Dakota.

Anyways…

We’re at Fort Abraham Lincoln State Park just for a day on the way to Black Hills National Forest tomorrow. There’s a reconstructed military fort that Custer commanded back in the 1870’s until they left to go fight in the Battle of the Little Bighorn where… yeah, didn’t go too well. There’s also a replica Mandan tribe village with earth lodges and a bunch of history on their time in the area. Pretty neat.

So we’re staying in our nice air conditioned camper for the rest of the evening. Dinner will consist of Jenny’s homemade spiced plum custard cake and red wine. We had S’mores and beer for dinner back in Wisconsin, so we feel this is just that next logical evolution forward.

This weekend will be our first time full out boondocking (no electricity, water, or sewer) so we’re clearly interested to see how we fare. Then we’re onto Wyoming where hopefully we still like each other. Wish us luck.

If you’re a podcast person and are looking for something new to listen to, please check out Small Town Murder and Crime in Sports. They’re both done by the same two guys, James Pietragallo and Jimmie Whisman, who are f**king hilarious. Crime in Sports covers people with crazy promising sports careers who throw them away on drugs / murder / idiocy. Like, crazy 19 year old kid who can throw a 105-mph fastball and gets into a fight in a dive bar and destroys his shoulder. That type of s**t. Small Town Murder is exactly that… deep dive into a murder that happens in some hick middle of nowhere town. Always ridiculous, and always has insane players involved.

Crime in Sports is my favorite of the two, honestly, mostly because the format of Small Town Murder is a little more structured where Crime in Sports is less so, and allows them to riff and be that much more freestyle and ridiculous. Like I said, they’re f**king hilarious and I love hearing them bulls**t and do what they do best. Small Town Murder is the more popular of the two, so try them out and see what you dig.

We’ve been listening on the long drive we have over the next couple of weeks, and recently we chose a Small Town Murder case in Nashville, MI. Yes, Nashville… Michigan. On top of that, there are a bunch of towns around there that just steal their names from other places too. Vermontville. Bellevue. Charlotte. You get it.

I don’t really know how to explain the plot of the episode… essentially, some people have a nephew, then the mom of that nephew (their sister) meets a guy who legit just tried to be a good dude and be a father to the kid… and they don’t like that so they murder him. Just listen to it, they explain it way more humorously and accurately than I do.

The more pertinent point is that the town the events take place, Nashville, has an amazing ice cream place. SO… realizing this town was only an hour out of the way to our campsite in northern Michigan… yeah, we made a stop. It’s a cow farm… and it’s called Moo-ville Creamery. Because obviously. And f**k yeah, it’s delicious.

There was a whole petting zoo with baby goats, sheep, alpacas, bunnies, chickens, and obviously… cows. Because there’s nothing I want with my ice cream more than the smell of farm animals. That being said… f**king great ice cream. You know how REAL ice cream is sweet without being that artificial sugary sweet? No? Then you haven’t had real ice cream because that’s what it f**king tastes like.

Moving along…

This stop is a product of our overall move back west, but we are finding the best of everywhere we go, and in this area that would be Mackinac Island. You can only get there by ferry, and one of the lines has a few morning rides that go around and through Mackinac Bridge. This bridge connects the main glove thingy of Michigan and the Upper Peninsula. It’s also like 5 miles long and theoretically shouldn’t be possible. It took one crazy bastard to be like “yeah, we can do it” to get it done. The Elon Musk of the 1950’s basically.

Mackinac Island is this island with zero motorized vehicles, and almost everyone travels around the island on bikes. Except the people riding around in a horse drawn carriage. Or walking. That’s literally all you see on the entire island.

The ferry drops you off on the south end of the island, so we started northeast to Arch Rock. Which is… a rock… with an arch in it. We had to fight through a crowd of tourists to get a picture of it, which I hated. But I figured if we’re going to Arches and Yellowstone and all these mainstream tourist spots later in the summer we should probably get used to it.

Then we tracked up the east coast of the island, looped around the north end and down the west coast down to British Landing which is what you would think… a spot where the British… landed… in the War of 1812. The amazing part of the story is that the guy in charge for the Americans didn’t get word that the war had even started, so when the British showed up the Americans were caught so off guard the general just straight up surrendered so they didn’t just sacrifice a bunch of people for an inevitable loss. More to come on that guy…

Past that, the general theme of the island is… ROCKS. From what I learned, the water level was once way way higher around the island, and most of the island was underwater. Once the water receded the softer limestone eroded away and there are a bunch of harder limestone rock formations just sticking out like a sore thumb all over the place. This one is Cave of the Woods. Which… yeah, okay… accurate name I guess.

Next is Sugar Loaf which… yeah, is a big rock. Same deal.

This is Skull Cave which sounds awesome, but… yeah, another rock.

Now there are two forts on the island. Below is Fort Holmes, named after an American general who died in a battle. It’s at the highest point of the island, and has the best views around the island that I got zero pictures of.

So… there’s a Fort Mackinac at a lower point in the island which I also got zero pictures of. The British came in around 1812 on the aforementioned British Landing and took over the island with the American general just bending over and waving the white flag. In anticipation of a similar American attack, the British built a fort on the very top of the island and named it Fort George.

Now the Americans charged the guy who just straight gave up when the Brits showed up with “cowardice.” Logical to me. While the guy is hanging out imprisoned at Fort Detroit, the British attack it. The dude is just standing around and is struck by a British cannonball and F**KING DECAPITATED. WHAT?!?!? F**king ridiculous. Lieutenant Porter Hanks, look it up.

The Americans tried to retake the island in 1814, but failed. They tried to follow the same path the British took in 1812 but they were like, “yeah… we know this movie. Also, we built a whole fort to deal with this.” Once the War of 1812 ended the Americans took over the island and renamed it from Fort George to Fort Holmes, in honor of the leader on the failed attempt to retake it. Then they let it go to s**t until Michigan was like “we got this” and then we showed up and took a picture of it. The end.

Once we got done and came back to the “city” we realized that between 10am and 3pm a whole s**t ton of people showed up and the streets were stupid crowded. Even if you told us there was no chance we’d catch anything walking around here, we’d still be freaking out being surrounded by so many people. It’s just the mentality we’ve developed in this mess. We’ve gone from “no one gives a shit” to “everyone gives a shit” and now back to “no one gives a shit” and it’s a goddamn mindf**k. We cannot walk by a person without a mask without immediately thinking “OH SHIT WE HAVE COVID NOW.” And when no one is wearing a mask it’s like a movie where someone’s out to assassinate you and you don’t know who it is.

It was packed. And any thought of grabbing a spot at a restaurant was out the window. So we went back to mainland to find a less touristy spot.

We got back and resumed our quest for food. The first place we went was a s**t show. First off, we pulled into the parking lot to see a group of about 20 walking in, all without masks. Then we walked in and were greeted with a hostess… with a mask around their neck. Then we took a peek at the room, and it was packed with people back to back and belly to belly (damn I miss Yankees baseball). We just turned around a walked out. F**k that.

Listen, I agree with the idea that the government should not be able to dictate something like wearing masks. They shouldn’t. I totally agree with you. I’m a strong believer in personal responsibility in this world. However, I ABSOLUTELY F**KING hate the fact that people don’t wear them. And I assure you those two are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes the government can request something that is actually the right thing to do for your fellow human. And doing it is not sacrificing your freedoms. It’s being a citizen. Obstinate defiance of the government despite logic and reason doesn’t help anyone, most of all you. Wearing a mask in public to make a little old lady feel safe while she’s shopping for groceries is not a defeat. I promise.

Anyways, later we found out that the county Mackinac Island is in has had a grand total of 8 cases and zero deaths. So… okay, maybe I should chill. But maybe I’m right in my paranoia. Regardless, we bounced out of tourist no mask town and went to Bière de Mac Brew Works, a place with good social distancing, an awesome staff all wearing masks, and great beer and food. Good on you guys. We will patronize establishments we feel are acting in a responsible way. That’s our right as American citizens, right?

TL;DR If Jenny and Chris get sick in 2-14 days, it’s because of the Michigan idiot who decided to sit behind them on the ferry and hack up a lung. F**ker.

I’m 36 years old, I grew up in New York, and I just went to western New York for the first time in my life.

When you grow up on Long Island, you call literally everything north of the Bronx “upstate New York.” You kinda just lump together anything not Long Island or “the city” into one huge entity. Like, it’s just one big ass farm and everyone from Long Island picks a different section to go to college.

Our buddy Jack (born and raised in the Buffalo area) was in town for some family business the exact same time we were rolling through, so we coordinated the campsite and met up on Tuesday evening. Ate some barbecue, drank some beers, met some of the family, and made plans to head out to Buffalo the next day.

Bright and early at 11am we headed out. Not before the kitties apparently questioned their entire existence when Jack sat in my recliner for some coffee.

Like I said, I had never been to western NY, and as much as I hate touristy crap, some things just need to be crossed off the list. So, Niagara Falls was the first stop. Learned that the better view is from the Canadian side, which was obviously a no-go for us. Also learned that the town of Niagara Falls, NY is far s**tier than the town of Niagara Falls, Canada. Didn’t get to see the Canada side, but having driven through the US side… yeah… yeah, I’d believe it.

Next we drove back to Buffalo, and walked along the Buffalo River through Canalside. There are a couple of battleships docked there for no particular reason, but they were pretty cool. Stopped at Liberty Hound for some drinks and to absolutely BAKE in the sun.

After that we drove over to Buffalo Riverworks on the other side of the river. And this place… was… AWESOME. First off, it’s in this grain manufacturing part of town so it’s got a cool industrial vibe. Second, it’s f**king TREMENDOUS, and all I could think about was how cool it would be to play in a band there. Like Xfinity Live in Philly. Or a place up in Connecticut I played once or twice that I don’t remember the name. I want to say Toad’s, but that feels wrong. “Big ass music venue in Connecticut.” We’ll run with that.

EDIT: Tuxedo Junction… I remembered!!! It was in Danbury, CT and closed in 2013. I can’t explain to you how f**king happy I am right now, that would have driven me insane.

Third, the patio is right on the little canal so we were able to watch everyone coming up and down on their jetskis / yachts / kayaks / canoes / whatevers. So we sat out there and had a few drinks. The craft beer was… meh. Our second round was a downshift to Labatt Blue Light and I have no regrets.

There was a single guy and his dog just going up and down in his boat just begging for attention… like the combo of his oozing sex appeal, cute dog, and motorboat was going to make the hot women rip their clothes off and jump in the water to chase him down. Note: that did not happen.

There was a boat full of like 15 very f**kboy looking guys with no shirts on and about 3 women. Then you figure two of the women were probably dating guys on the boat, so it’s just 10+ horny men and one poor woman dealing with idiot guys all goddamn day.

Million dollar yachts… and some guy who just revved his engine for about 20 minutes because he didn’t get hugged as a kid and desperately needed everyone at the bar to look at him and his large penis boat. Who needs live music when you have rich people showing off how much better than you they think they are!?! All the entertainment you need.

After all that, we headed back to the campsite for dinner and bedtime where we caught sunset across Lake Erie.

So now we’re in northern Michigan, and it’s been… interesting. Full story will be our next post, plus an interesting stop on the way up. But for now, it’s suffice to say living in the section of the country that was the epicenter of a pandemic and then moving to a county that has had 8 cases has been wildly confusing.

This might be the first post with more pictures of actual human beings than landscapes.

We finally left New Hampshire and began our crawl across New York State. We got to our Plattsburgh campsite Friday afternoon and promptly started drinking.

First stop was Oval Craft Brewing for some drinks with their outdoor seating. When I went in to close out I noticed a young couple at the far end of the bar. A few seconds later out of nowhere, and to no one in particular, the guy just goes, “yeah, we were supposed to be getting married tomorrow… so, you know…” At which point everyone in the room went “awwwwwwwww!” Talked with them a little bit, they have been together for 9 years, engaged for 3 of them, and their wedding was supposed to be the next day. So clearly I bought them a round and wished them luck.

When I walked out I had the sudden realization that they could have been completely full of s**t. Seemed like a ridiculous plot line, but it was entirely possible the guy was just aiming for some free drinks. However, when we left a few minutes later I saw them at a huge table with what was obviously a bunch of parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. And I realized they were most likely being treated by family the evening before what would have been one of the greatest days of their life. Made me very happy and very sad all at the same time.

Next we went over to Valcour Brewing Company which was right down the road. The brewery is located in what are called The Old Stone Barracks, which is a building with a very cool history, and one Jenny had seen a million times in her time up there but never knew what it was. Unfortunately, it was pretty much a bust on all levels.

Started off well, put in an order for food and drinks, grabbed our beers and went to go sit out in the sunshine. They put a bunch of tables and chairs out on the adjacent field, along with a speaker playing some music.

Downhill pretty quick after that. Sun ducked behind some clouds, wind picked up, and we suddenly found ourselves freezing. Next, the beer was… not great. I wish I could express to you how much it takes me to say I don’t like a beer. Even beers I don’t particularly like I’ll still be like, “it’s good, just not my style.” That being said… I did not like this beer. And not just my beer, I tried Jenny’s (didn’t like it), bought a different one for the second round (didn’t like it), then grabbed yet another in a growler for the camper (like that one least of all).

I’m not an expert on beer by any stretch, but when you drink beer as consistently as I do, you know what’s good and bad. Hell, I bought this domain name thinking I was gonna start a beer blog. (In my defense… I was drunk. On beer. Obviously.)

Back to the story, on top of that, it took an hour and half for our food to come out. A burger and a sandwich. Hour and a half. At a restaurant running at half capacity. Really guys?

So that wasn’t great. But we still had fun. Because that’s what we do.

The next day we drove back out for a day in Vermont where we hiked a trail to a summit called Devil’s Gulch. It was a cooler day, probably low to mid 50’s, and I assumed I wouldn’t be sweating that much. I wore a cotton T-shirt and a heavy sweatshirt. And within about 3 minutes I was SWEATING MY ASS OFF because I am so fat and out of shape and full of the previously mentioned beer residue. Even worse, my undershirt was so soaked in sweat that I couldn’t take the sweatshirt off… but the sweatshirt was making me that much hotter and make me sweat that much more. So just a horrible downward spiral. Needless to say, I was extremely damp by the end of it.

After that we went to Foam Brewers in Burlington, VT where one of Jenny’s buddies, Bob(by)*, is an owner. We knew we’d get some special treatment walking around with the boss, but holy crap… the men and women who work at that brewery are the S**T. We had some drinks and Jenny and Bob(by)* were able to catch up.

They have a sister restaurant next door, and after our hike we were understandably hungry, so we ordered some food. I got a burger, naturally, and Jenny got a chicken sandwich. According to Jenny, it is the best thing she’s eaten on this trip so far.

JUST TO REVIEW… we’ve been all across this country. We’ve eaten po-boys in New Orleans, we’ve had southwest Mexican food, we’ve had lobster in Maine… and the chicken sandwich at Deep City in Burlington, VT is the best thing she’s had so far. That’s saying a f**k ton.

Unfortunately Bob(by)* and his girlfriend Ally had to bounce for a dinner date, but we stuck around for another round. Before we left we wanted to PURCHASE some swag. I finally had a chance to buy a trucker hat, and Jenny wanted a T-shirt… plus we wanted to bring some beers home.

When we asked to PURCHASE the above items, we were told by Ainsley, the very kickass bartender, that he was under strict orders to not allow us to pay for anything. UGHHH. You guys are too awesome. Thank you all.

So we walked out with the trucker hat, the T-shirt, and upon asking for a couple of six packs we received four 4-pack pints of beer and a 6-pack of the normal 12oz cans.

Once again, huge thank you to the boys and girls at Foam Brewers. We’ll spread the word of great beer across this great nation. And to everyone else, if you find yourself in northern Vermont at any point, do yourself a favor and stop by for some awesome food and beer.

*Jenny (and I assume everyone from SUNY Plattsburgh) called him “Bobby.” He started a career, became a boss, and now everyone calls him “Bob” which was absolutely ridiculous to Jenny. Who**, by the way, everyone from college calls “Jen”… which is absolutely ridiculous to me. So… ummm… where was I?

** Who or whom? I screw up “it’s” and “its” all the time, but this one I legit don’t know. I actually think it’s “whom” but you don’t want to be wrong that way, right? Like, overthink it and sound stupid trying to pretend you’re actually smart. Ughhh… I should have stayed in school.

The next day we took a hike up to Poke-O-Moonshine Mountain (actual name), a place Jenny had run/hiked back in college. After which we met more buddies from college, Nicole and Ted, for an awesome dinner and drinks. They both went to Plattsburgh and ran with Jenny, ended up getting married, buying a house and popping out a couple of kids. American dream as much as you can imagine one. On top of that, they’re awesome people.

The next day was Jenny’s 33rd birthday, and we spent it walking around Plattsburgh campus and recapping her four years there. I had been to Plattsburgh a few times for various alumni related events… the aforementioned Nicole and Ted’s wedding, a visit with their first baby, and dinner with… well, yeah, Nicole and Ted. So I had never actually VISITED Plattsburgh.

First, I learned about Michigans. Red hots. Whatever you call them, they are hot dogs with mustard, onions, and red meat sauce. They’re delicious, and apparently a total Plattsburgh thing. We pulled a Geno’s/Pat’s debate and tried two places across the street from each other to see which was best. First was Clare and Carl’s Hot Dog Stand…

Followed by McSweeney’s Red Hots (apparently I purposefully told Jenny not to take a picture, and I have no idea why I did that… my bad, but I can say they basically looked the same)

VERDICT: McSweeney’s Red Hots… they sauteed the onions with the meat sauce, so the whole thing worked that little bit better together.

After that we walked around Plattsburgh campus where I got to see the various buildings I’ve heard a million and two stories about over the past ten years. We grabbed ice cream, ate some pizza, took a walk down by the river… great day. She had never been to Boston, and I was able to show her around. I had never (really) been to Plattsburgh and she was able to show me around. So some nice symmetry there.

Tuesday morning we drove out to western NY. I was planning on including our time there in this post, but this just took me about ALL DAY to type out because I’m drunk and I may already be drunk honestly… what?!? Seriously, did you not read that we got like 328 oz of free beer? (check it… my math is probably good) The Shining by Foam is 8% ABV and tastes F**KING DELICIOUS. So there will be a second post to record our awesome days out here.

We leave for Mackinac Island in northern Michigan, another step in our road trip back west. In a week from now we’ll be in North Dakota, so them wheels are a-turnin’. Stay tuned.

I’ve been in New Hampshire since May 5th. Jenny was down in New York for a good chunk of it, but relative to how much we’ll be moving around over the next few months, May has been an absolute standstill. Before the virus hit, the original plan was putting the camper in storage and staying together in New York for the month of May, but plans had to change when New York became the epicenter of everything through April. So we’re doing more than originally planned and I’m still getting antsy.

That being said, we’ve done our best still getting out and exploring. I always had the idea of escaping for a little mini-adventure within this much bigger adventure. A sub-adventure. An adventure within an adventure… wrapped in an adventure. Some Inception s**t for sure.

We went on a hike last week with Jenny’s buddy Sean, who strongly encouraged a visit out to Acadia National Park on the coast of Maine. Combined with my long standing desire to see a good sunrise, we pulled the trigger on a drive out east.

We headed out sans camper on Tuesday morning for a 4.5 hour drive out to Acadia. We were given the explicit instructions to do the Beehive Trail, and it did not disappoint. It’s a short hike, but there are hand rails set in the face of the cliffs and you basically climb the side of the mountain. I took one picture of Jenny climbing, but she didn’t like how she looked and it must remain unpublished. But you get to the top, and the view over the islands around Acadia is simply f**king amazing. One of those views that just don’t seem real. It was like looking over a fantasy world with wizards and goblins and… I don’t know, Jenny kept making Lord of the Rings references that I didn’t understand, but you get the point. Narnia, Middle Earth, Neverland… take your pick.

The last time I had the feeling was the Grand Canyon. It’s just so beyond an every day view you almost can’t process it. Especially considering the physical effort it takes to get there, it was a great experience.

Next we headed north on the trail (you don’t go down the way you came up… that would be nuts going down that) to The Bowl, which is this little lake set in the middle of the woods.

Then we headed south through the woods toward Gorham Mountain which gave us some more views around the park. It’s further down one of the peninsulas, so you’re almost surrounded by awesome views of the water.

We headed back towards the eastern coast to hike back to the car along the rocky water’s edge.

The parking lot is right next to a little beach, so when we got back we decided to dip our feet in and cool off a bit. I convinced Jenny to leave the phones in the truck, and immediately regretted it once I saw the view from the beach. Even more when we realized there were a bunch of cute dogs surrounding us. And MOST OF ALL when we saw a young couple with a puppy Corgi trying to get her used to the water.

First of all, the water was f**king freezing, so I’m not sure it was the best time or place to do it. The woman would pick the Corgi up and cradle her like a baby. Then she’d slowly start crouching down to dip her back legs into the water. And the lower and lower she got, the higher and higher the puppy would start climbing up the woman’s body. Just absolute panic hanging on to her arms and legs for dear life. I swear we thought the dog was going to end up balancing on this woman’s head by the time this was over. It was semi successful endeavor for that couple, but absolutely hilarious for this one, watching this dog do everything in her power to stay out of the water.

At this point we decided to walk around Bar Harbor a little bit before checking in at the campsite. We grabbed a beer to celebrate our hike at Bar Harbor Lobster Co. where we were able to sit out on the sunny patio and enjoy our drinks. We also walked past a pastry shop and decided to grab a cookie for the road.

You know those things that literally everyone knows but somehow you missed that day of school? For example, you know the Burger King logo? I never realized that was a burger until I was WAY too old. Jenny’s sister (I won’t say which one to protect the innocent) never knew pickles were just pickled cucumbers. Stuff like that.

I was yesterday years old when I learned that macarons and macaroons are not the same thing. I literally thought Americans were just being typical stupid Americans and added an “o” just to be dicks. I mean, it’s not the wildest theory. We just decided to drop “u”s from British words, maybe we just decided to add “o”s to French ones?

But no… I’m just dumb. So I thought I was getting a macaron (which I love) and I instead got a macaroon (which I hate). Lesson learned, and now I can never make that mistake ever again.

We also walked by Ivy Manor Inn which had a little outside bar and garden you could sit outside, so we obviously grabbed another drink and did just that. It felt very European for some reason, so we went with a British beer.

We grabbed some beer for the campsite, and headed out there to clean ourselves up a bit for dinner. In our walk we saw a restaurant on the water with people out on the patio having dinner. Cool, we thought, let’s do that. No biggie.

We got back to Bar Harbor and took our seats on the patio. As soon as we sat down, we realized it had been THREE MONTHS since we were last out to eat. The last time was March 15th at Superior Seafood in New Orleans. And we immediately realized how much we missed it. We had convinced ourselves that carry-out and curbside was just as good, but… no. Just, no. We have no problem making such an insignificant sacrifice for the good of everyone else, but when you have it back… MAN did it feel good.

We still found ourselves unconsciously leaning away from the server whenever he came over, as if those extra three inches was going to make or break anything. But it didn’t feel like we were doing anything risky. I’m generally paranoid about… well, everything… and I didn’t feel at all nervous about it. The next table was a good 10-15 feet away, our server was masked, and we were outside on the very windy coast.

If we end up feeling ill over the next few days, I wouldn’t consider any point of our walk around Bar Harbor as when we caught it. I think Bar Harbor (and Maine in general I would assume) as handling it very wisely. Be smart, wear masks, stay away from people, and we can have some nice things again.

SIDE NOTE: Arizona is spiking in cases. BIGLY. If you’ve read past posts, you’ve heard us comment on how the people in Arizona were NOT doing the above things. To the point we were semi shocked when we left the area and saw how serious other parts of the country were taking it. So as you read about cases spiking there, just know that. And I’m not saying people in Arizona are purposefully irresponsible. I’m saying their timeline screwed them and set up a false sense of security. Think about it…

Step 1 – Pandemic starts, your area doesn’t get hit

Step 2 – Your state shuts everything down, but still… not many cases

Step 3 – Pandemic starts to calm down, your state starts opening back up… still not many cases

Step 4 – You haven’t worn a mask, haven’t socially distanced for months and now it’s ending. Still not many cases. AKA yay, woo, we beat it!

Step 5 – Watch the numbers in your state go through the roof.

After dinner we headed back to the campsite for a little bit of sleep. We brought our tent and sleeping bags, but in the end decided to just sleep in the truck. Was it comfortable? No. No it was not. But, we laid down around 10pm and were leaving 2am, so f**k it. This way we didn’t have to try and pack up a tent in the pitch black.

We drove another two hours east to the easternmost point of the continental U.S., West Quoddy Head. We originally were going to hike up Cadillac Mountain in Acadia which I was led to believe is where the sunlight actually hits first. This way we could say we were the first people to see sunrise that day. However, this is only the case from October to March. This time of year that point is actually Mars Hill apparently. Since that was the only real reason we were going to try and hike in the middle of the night and risk dying / serious bodily injury, and Mars Hill was a 3.5 hour drive away, we decided to just say we went to the easternmost part of the country. We plan on going to the westernmost point of the U.S. when we head to the west coast towards the end of the summer, so we’ll be able to say we saw sunrise in the east-est east, sunset in the west-est west, and everything in between. Which I think is pretty cool.

From there we drove back to Bar Harbor, grabbed some breakfast, coffee, and gas and headed back to New Hampshire. Jenny was able to nap on the ride, but I was running on less than six hours of sleep over two days. Needless to say, I slept well last night.

It’s rainy and s**tty today, so another laundry day. Tomorrow I finally leave New Hampshire! We head to Plattsburgh to see Jenny’s college territory, visit some old friends, and drink in their breweries. Seriously, one of her friends owns a brewery in northern Vermont. Super psyched.

In America everybody is of the opinion that he has no social superiors, since all men are equal, but he does not admit that he has no social inferiors, for, from the time of Jefferson onward, the doctrine that all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.

Bertrand Russell

I usually wait until the end of the post to decide what fun title to apply. Usually some humorous / ironic / sarcastic phrase pops into my head and I run with it. I’m listening to some classic rock while I think this post through, and if you Google the phrase “stand up and be counted”, it comes up with “to make one’s opinions or beliefs publicly known especially when such action may cause trouble.” I think that pretty much nails it. So…

For those about to rock… WE SALUTE YOU.

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So where do I begin? I guess the beginning, right?

Since the last post, this little guy came and said hello to everyone.

Jenny stayed for another week to help the new parents, and drove back to the camper along with her sister. Although the campground was technically in New Hampshire, it extended over the state line and our camper was actually located in Massachusetts. So f**k you MA, you canceled all my sites and I STILL got in.

Nessa hung out for a couple of days before heading back, and we were able to get a hike of Maudslay State Park.

We decided to head back to Fox’s Lobster House up in York, ME… a place I tried to go to on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and had to abort when it was way too busy. Not surprisingly, on a colder, foggy Tuesday afternoon it was far more reasonable.

Verdict: very good, but Two Lights was better. And no imitation crab to be found.

After that, we stuck to exploring Massachusetts. Since we were headed back north next, getting in as much of the shoreline as we could seemed the reasonable plan.

First stop was Salem and some downtown street art…

…a walking tour with some historic and interesting sites…

…some sites from Hocus Pocus…

…and Forest River Park.

We also drove down to Wellesley to see Jenny’s high school buddy Chris (no pictures taken because we are dumb and forgot), and out to Gloucester to meet her other high school buddy Sean for a hike.

Next, we went downtown Boston and I finally showed her my old stomping grounds around Back Bay, through the Common, downtown, North End… I mean, pretty much everywhere.

But we ended up not taking really any pictures. Not because we forgot, as per the usual, but because it just didn’t feel like a space to do the typical sightseeing BS.

I lived in Boston for a year and half. I know how that city feels when I step out into it. It’s always a bittersweet joy, a city I genuinely loved that just completely kicked my ass. Going back is like hooking up with an ex-love from a long time ago. Exciting, yes, but because you’re choosing to remember only the good for the moment. You know it’s temporary, but you don’t care. You want to relive that emotion.

I can usually close my eyes and remember the sights and sounds of a city through the excited perspective of a naive 18 year old starting his life. But I couldn’t this time. Between COVID and the protests, it just felt broken. The streets we empty except for police officers readying for the crowds arriving that evening. A few nights prior we had watched the local news as windows were smashed, a cop car was set on fire… we literally watched a group of people get hit by a car on live television. Stores were mostly closed and boarded up. Faneuil Hall was a ghost town.

I’m happy we got there, but like I said… we didn’t really feel like taking pictures. We did see an unreasonable number of adorable puppies around town, so that helped.

The last part of our trip was out to Provincetown, a place I never got a chance to visit when I lived in Boston.

And that brings us up to the present. We moved to northern NH yesterday, and an overcast rainy day has led to laundry, food shopping, and finally updating the blog.

Over the next few weeks we’ll heading out back west, and honestly, I’m very excited to get moving again. I’ve been in New Hampshire since May 5th, so I’m more than ready. As ridiculous as it is to say you’re going stir crazy while driving around the country in an RV, it’s all relative I guess. The posts should come more frequently as well, so stay tuned…